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| photo found here: http://tyt2000.deviantart.com/art/Freedom-19490162 |
Pastor T apparently still endorses my abuser. Everyone at my old church does, as far as I know. And I can’t figure out why the pain flows tonight, because this is not new knowledge, but it does. It flows and flows.
These people raised me. Did they always think I was crazy? Or just when I stopped believing what they believe? I haven’t done anything wrong by stating facts. They would even say that God wants truth to be known, but they want me to say nothing about the truth of my childhood.
And why do I care? I look through the photos, and it’s not like I want to move back to New Hampshire and be in their lives again. I don’t ever want to go back to that church basement for potlucks or even stand in the parking lot. So what’s bothering me?
I think it’s the fact that they took away my basic human rights, and they continue to act as if I am evil because I took those rights back. They degraded my gender. They sacrificed me to do their mission work. They tried to control my thoughts. They taught me that I wasn’t valuable to anyone, not even God. They made me feel that setting relationship boundaries wasn’t spiritual. They said I made God sad if I didn’t do exactly what they wanted me to do. Then, when my world went beyond them, they shunned me. Some did it through ignoring me and some did it through picking countless fights on my Facebook wall (and never engaging in conversations on a personal level, even when I pointed out that our friendships couldn’t survive constant debating with no personal encounters). Every lost friendship wounded me, but they said they did it because they couldn’t, in good conscience, support me as a person. They implied that I was backslidden and compromising, doing whatever I felt like doing. What really happened? I examined the world and my beliefs with fear and trembling, afraid of what would happen with each change. I think I found beliefs that correspond better to reality. I can’t change reality. And truth I've found has been too good to me to reject. So who is the real friend, the one who shuns me for having different viewpoints, or the one who tries for years to fit the mold so that she can stay included in the community?
What do I want from them now? I want them to believe that God hates abuse. I don’t need to defend myself, but I still wish I could be believed. When they are entirely unwilling to consider that my father is an abuser, when they set him up as their leader, when they feel sorry for my mother as she plays the victim (and then focus their negative attention towards me, just as she wants), when they bend any evidence they can find in directions it doesn’t naturally go so that they can stay in their secure lives, when they support the phony “investigations,” that the unqualified leadership at Christ Community Church used to harass me, and when they call me a liar, they revictimize me. I’m not too far away to feel this pain, since they will always be my past.
And tonight, it makes me feel hated.
<3 my heart breaks for your pain :( . I have not had this experience with these people but that doesn't change or negate what you have gone (and are going) through. I pray for God's healing for all concerned. Words fail me,but i know God is sufficient so please know that my heart goes out to you and I hope that you will have peace in this matter someday soon--Jodie Rand
ReplyDeleteSavvy, I was at Tim's ordination. I wasn't aware that he was a part of the spiritual abuse you suffered, but I was thinking of you as your dad stepped up to speak (He was on the ordination council and was asked to give a summary of their findings before we voted on Pastor Tim's ordination. If I remember correctly, your mother wasn't there.) I want you to know that I believe you, I'm so sorry for your pain, and I am proud of you for fighting for healing and freedom. I hope you don't think of us at CBC as supporting your abusers or as shunning you. I obviously can't speak for the rest of the church, but that certainly isn't my intention. I hope you continue to heal and find increasing peace about the past as you move forward.
ReplyDeleteSavannah,
ReplyDeleteI have read through most of your pages posted here on blogspot. It is clear that you feel that you are trying to work out past memories and issues in your life. We can choose to work these issues out in life in a discrete and private manner or publicly.
We all have memories of our childhood that may not be the best, but keeping things in perspective that there are always two sides to every story. You paint a picture of extreme abuse and brainwashing that took place over years at the hands of dozens of people. You are using your own memories which in all of us can be clouded at times from what really happened, to publicly humiliate, slander and berate all of these people in a very public and harmful way.
Let me ask you a couple questions:
• Have you as a parent every gotten angry at your child for anything since they were born?
The answer would most definitely be a big YES, because we are human and full of sin. We are not God and therefore are incapable of being angry and not sinning, because our selfish motives always come into play.
You claim abuse by all of these people, but by what you are describing this is not abuse. What you are describing by your own words are situations that you didn't get what you wanted and they are to blame for it. You have held onto that one thing "You didn't get what you wanted" and allowed it to turn into bitterness. Now that bitterness is vengance and you are posting very personal communications and photos about churches, pastors and your own family to do only one thing. I can only imagine how much pain and hurt that you have caused already to all of these people.
I know exactly what you are doing, because many years ago I had the same anger at my family and lashed out at them. They were to blame for everything and I was not at fault at all. They cause so much pain to me in my childhood and they were to blame. But the reality is I was only looking at one side, my side, my pain and someone needed to pay for it in order for me to feel better about myself.
This type of thinking is beyond selfish. Once I admitted that I was 50% responsible for most of the things that happened and gain some clarity on what really happened and not just my memories. But the big step for me was admitting that I had sinned against them. I was a very willful child that lied and stole things a lot when I was young. I was constantly rebelling against my parents. I carried this for over 10 years and it consumed me.
I know the bitterness and anger that you so very clearly are displaying here online in a very public way for the whole world to see. What you have done is taken all of those "feelings" and very publicly berated and slandered all of these people. The damage that you have done is far worse than anything that they have done to you.
I see you have children, what is going to happen when in 20 years they come back to you and tell you that you were manipulative, angry, etc because they didn't get what they wanted?
It grieves my heart to see you do this to all of these people. I know all of these people in these churches. What you are doing is sinful and born out of bitterness. Please stop, these people loved you, cared for you, and showed you a great life that you shunned because it wasn't what you wanted.
You don't know me, and I am not any of the people that you have named. I stumbled upon this site and felt that I should say something to you directly. This is a very bad path and it leads to nowhere good.
The only person that can change your heart and make you feel good about yourself is Jesus Christ. First you have to repent of your sin against all of these people and seek forgiveness and reconciliation.
First of all, you also state that you have not read through all of the pages. Before making any broad, condemning comments like yours, it would be wise to read the whole story.
DeleteSecond, you state that what my wife has described does not constitute abuse, but fail to provide a definition of what exactly abuse is. Perhaps this is because you could think of no definition of abuse that would exclude being beaten by a wrathful, snarling parent - not just for one spanking that happened with a lost temper, but the majority of the time. Perhaps this is because several of the events described in this blog could fall under the legal definition of child abuse in several states. I am not sure as to your definition, but I am sure that what she calls abuse is not simply “not getting what she wanted.”
If, perhaps, you were only referring to the portions concerning spiritual abuse, it is true that many of those instances are not legally considered abuse. What is legally prosecutable and what is incredibly harmful, unfortunately, do not always align. There is a difference between a child not being able to wear the clothes she wants, and being presented to her brother and having him tell her that “it would be hard” not to lust after her; or having a family meeting called so that all of the brothers could agree with the father that their sister looks like a prostitute because she is wearing baggy, faded jeans. It is not about “not getting what she wanted,” but about being made to feel worthless for having wanted. Whether you do or do not get what you want, the degradation of the person in the process is abuse. These people were abusive. Knowing a person who is kind and polite at church, is not knowing their darkest corners.
Lastly, you cannot possibly know exactly what my wife is doing. You may have been angry at your family in the past and done things that you regretted, but you are not my wife. You have not been raised by her parents. You did not live her life. You are not her. She is writing the blog not for petty, bitter vengeance, but for healing and love. It is for her to heal, for the countless others who have been wounded in similar ways, for her past church, and for her family. It is to provide the opportunity for change, not to tear down.
If you wish to attempt to drive a victim to repentance at the feet of their abusers by force of guilt, through the guise of religiosity, then do it somewhere else. If that is not your intention, then I would ask you to seriously reconsider the things you have written here.
Anonymous, I left you a reply on my Facebook page. Feel free to take a peek.
DeleteAnonymous, you are comparing your own journey to hers. Just because you experienced one thing with your parents does not mean her experience was the same. You also seem to be very intent on shaming her into silence, a trademark of the spiritually abusive system that is so rampant today. I am certain Jesus would not tell someone who has been abused to keep it quiet; he would show compassion and kindness.
DeleteI have to wonder if you were involved in her abuse or currently support her abusers, and are trying to discredit her so no one will believe her story? It is interesting that you will not use your real name... are you ashamed?
You said "What really happened? I examined the world and my beliefs with fear and trembling, afraid of what would happen with each change. I think I found beliefs that correspond better to reality.
ReplyDeleteSo what are your beliefs? If you say that you are a believer and Jesus Christ is your savior then you have to "we all have to" follow what God "scripture" tells us to do. The Word is our guide on how to live our lives not the other way around. We can't change the bible to fit us or add to or take away from scripture to fit us. If we are doing that then we are not believing in Jesus Christ. We are believing in something else. So I am curious what are your beliefs now?
Why does it matter what her beliefs are now? Does that change the validity of her story? Would it justify the abuse she suffered if her beliefs don't line up with yours? You seem very intent on finding ways to discredit her and the abuse she suffered.
DeleteIf Jesus left comments, he'd say this to "Anonymous":
ReplyDeleteI saw Savannah trembling as she pressed the keys to publicly tell her story. The abusive voices in her head spoke in tones and accusations similar to yours, Anonymous. But with a Lion's Roar I said "Enough." The Saints own their stories. I call them, like the Prophets, to confront those who say my name with their lips but deny me with their life.
I was there, those lonely nights, when she felt unsafe in her home, when her family required her silence, keeping the family secrets, sacrificing the very intuitions I gave her on the alter of spiritual narcissism—the spiritual narcissism that used children for the family business many called a "ministry." I was there, when she watched her siblings belittled, manhandled, manipulated, and shamed at home, at camp, in Africa. I was there with tears, comforting her, opening my arms to her abusers, hoping they would open their arms to me in return.
I was the one who preserved her soul.
I was the one who led her to that report describing abuses on the mission field.
I was the one who helped her see the similarities in her own childhood.
I was the one who set her feet on the road to healing.
I was the one who led her to address the issue privately with her family, which they rejected.
I was the one convicting the hearts of her abusers repent and heal rather than defend and hide. They quenched my Spirit.
I was the one who prodded her to write this story, publicly, just as I spoke out against abusers publicly. Even after she following my words in Matthew 18, her abusers made "ministry" into a den of thieves.
As I read these words, Anonymous, I read your wish to silence Savannah. I read your passive aggression protecting Savannah's abusers with twisted pious words (I will not say publicly whether you are also an abuser... you and I know in your own heart). You say that if anyone offends a little one that both millstones (dividing up the blame 50/50). I never said that.
I said the millstones are reserved for abusers. It is better for an abuser to be drowned by a millstone than to offend my children.
I said that if you abuse one of the least of these, you abuse me.
I said that love stands up to abusers, even it it means nails and thorns and death. For, as you know, I said those who use my name to abuse are of their father, the devil.
Do not misunderstand my words. Do not twist my Sacred Text. Do not become twice the demons of hell as the ones you are defending.
You are not anonymous to me, Anonymous. My eyes move to and fro throughout the earth. I watch you lie down and get up and throughout every day. I am whispering my love to you, aware that judgment comes to the stiff-necked. You need not fear me any longer. My love is bigger than the approval of those you protect. My love is bigger than your fear of what your children may say about you. My love is bigger than your pride and your walls of self-protection. You are weary with it. I can see it. Come to me... I will give you rest. Lay down your weapons and learn of me
You will not find rest kicking against these goads. In times past, I have winked at such behavior, but today I'm calling you and Savannah's abusers to repentance. It will restore your soul. It may even save it.
Savannah is mine. You cannot have her. Her bold and holy voice will not be silenced. My peace I have given her, more than you or the world could ever promise.
If you will not come to the Light, Anonymous, return to the Shadow.
Do not expect any more replies from me here, for I will always be near you. I will be whispering my love with the Lion's breath, hoping with all of Heaven that it will remove the scales from your eyes and melt the armor around your heart.
-- Jesus the Christ, Son of the Living God
Hello Savannah and Laura Blakney,
ReplyDeleteI would like to clarify a few things.
1. I am not trying to shame anyone into repentance or force you against your will to do anything you don't want to. If you feel shame for your own actions, then that is one you already know in your heart that it is wrong and two God gave you a conscience of knowing what is right or wrong. Funny word conscience "means that you sin with the knowledge of knowing that you have sinned against a holy and perfect God."
Emotional feelings are a tricky thing. They are tied so closely with fact. The only problem with emotions is where they derive from "us". And we are sinful to the core. So a lot of times our emotions deceive us into thinking that we are justified in our actions and we act on emotions instead of how God tells us to act and behave in the world.
My apologies, I don't know your pain, or what really happened. I can see by what you have written with great care and by your actions of how to have tried to reconcile all of these events that it is wrong. I know you are going to disagree, and have disagreed. You think that you are justified to stand up against your spiritual abuser and publicly out them and shame and slander all of them for what they did to you.
How is slandering publicly God honoring?
How is publicly posting private messages between your father, you and these pastoral leaders God honoring?
How does publicly posting all of this information for the world to see without both sides of the story God honoring?
What have you done when you claim to be a Christian to reconcile with your abusers before posting all of this online?
I am not in defense of these people or you, but what I think is you are doing what so many young people think is okay to do today. Take all of my anger and grievances and put them online for the whole world to read without a care for anyone but yourself.
When you put this online you invite everyone to respond to your message. If you don't like the response that you are receiving then it may not be the best thing to post slander online.
What if someone accused you of something like this for the whole world to see. How would that make your feel? Did you really give them a fair chance to reconcile with you?
Hi George,
DeleteAre you Anonymous? How do you know my parents? How did you find my blog?
Slander: "The action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation."
DeleteSpeaking the truth is NOT slander. Meeting her parents does not qualify you to comment on this situation as though you know what happened; you don't know Savannah personally and I doubt you were at all involved in the attempted reconciliation process. Ironically, you are slandering her right now by accusing her of lying.
"What if someone accused you of something like this for the whole world to see. How would that make your feel? Did you really give them a fair chance to reconcile with you?"
Savannah has tried countless times to reconcile with them. She has gone above and beyond what most people would have done to sort things out privately (I personally would have given up on them LONG before she did), but they they continued to blame and abuse her, and even tried to discredit her character so no one would believe her.
As for how they feel- of course they aren't going to like it, they've been caught with their hand in the cookie jar and it's uncomfortable. A thief or rapist feels sad and angry when they get caught; that doesn't mean we don't put them in jail and publicize the crime to avoid hurting their feelings. Her parents had countless chances to repent and stop the abuse. They not only refused to do so, but they tried to turn others against her in retaliation. They had so many chances to prevent this that it's bordering on the ridiculous. If they ever truly repent and show remorse and stop the abuse, that's a different story- until then, their feelings aren't any more relevant than a thief's would be when he gets caught.
"I am not trying to shame anyone into repentance or force you against your will to do anything you don't want to."
Of course you are trying to shame her! You come to her blog and tell her that she's disobeying your interpretation of the Bible, blatantly and repeatedly accuse her of lying and slander, of handling this situation in an ungodly way because you don't agree with her methods, and you have the gall to say you're NOT trying to shame her? That's ALL you have been doing since you came here.
Yes, I was anonymous. Yes I have met them. I stumbled upon your blog from another site.
ReplyDeleteIf I click your name, it takes me to Bible Gateway and the verse of the day is,
Delete" 'Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?' declares the Lord. 'Do not I fill heaven and earth?' declares the Lord."
Irony noted, Lord.
"George," you didn't answer the questions I gave you. You're still hiding and I'm not going to waste my energy on this. I won't be replying to any of your comments. I just don't feel that need.
Please, nobody engage with this trolling any longer. And unless "George" is willing to reveal his identity, all of his future comments will be deleted. This blog is a sacred place of courage, and I won't have it turn into a place where cowards go to say whatever they feel like saying with zero consequence.
ReplyDelete