Part 10 - The Involvement of Christ Community Church and Brian Sayers

I have, no intentions of ruining my parents lives or getting them fired. If I wanted that, I would have contacted their employers, Christ Community Church, myself during this whole process. I did not do this. My father immediately brought them in, and I received a phone call from them a day or two after my initial conversation with him (I was too busy dealing with my brother's illness at the time to respond). Here, in his words, are his reasons for doing so:

"Dear children,

One of your siblings informed me that they believed that as a father, I was abusive. The categories of that abuse are emotional, physical, and spiritual. It was also said that I enabled mom to be abusive.

This is a highly serious accusation that I desire to consider carefully and give the proper attention it is due. I am willing to accept the full consequences, penalties, and outcome that my actions deserve, if I have truly been abusive. I desire the truth to come to light.

I have on my own volition informed the elders of Christ Community Church of this accusation. Together, we removed my name from consideration for the position of elder effective immediately (it just so happens that the church was meeting on this Sunday to affirm me as an elder during the annual meeting). I say this so that you know and understand just how seriously I am considering this matter.

In discussing this matter with the elders, we agreed that an investigation is appropriate and necessary. The elders of CCC will be contacting you (they may have already). I want you to know that both mom and I desire that you cooperate with them fully.

I also ask that you treat this matter with confidentiality. If this matter is true, it will come to light and will receive the public disclosure that is necessary. If it is not true, your confidentiality will help prevent undue damage to all involved.

We have been wanting to call some of you since our return from China, but we did not want to, in some way, influence this process. Please understand that our lack of contact is related to this and our hope is that we can get this behind us very soon and catch up on life.

My hope is that this process will strengthen rather than weaken our family, unite rather than divide, and bring peace rather than conflict. I know you hope the same.

Love,

Dad (and Mom)

Cc: Elders of CCC"

It sounds nice, but it makes no difference that he was up for being an elder, because he's already a paid member of their leadership staff. The title of elder may as well be trashed if their associate pastor is a child abuser.

I responded with the following: 
"I didn't mean to confront you last week, but it made me so angry that you can't figure out why [my brother] wouldn't want to speak with you. I am working on writing a letter, as I do not feel emotionally safe around you and would rather not meet face-to-face (or have any phone calls). I was obviously dealing with a lot this past week with [my brother], and I did not have time to write the letter. I will as soon as I get the chance. Although....I did write one years ago and never sent it. [At this point I talked about an unrelated and private family matter, then continued.]

In the meantime, I know you are anxious to hear at least one example. I already told you over the phone that the family meeting about my faded jeans and how I dressed like a prostitute was spiritual abuse. An example of enabling mom to abuse me is as follows:

We were getting in the car after school at CCA, and Sam couldn't close the door to the Astro van and took about 30 seconds to do it. As you may recall, that door was broken and was difficult to handle. Mom started berating him, and we were all walking on eggshells to keep her happy. I couldn't let her speak to Sam the way she was, as I have a protective instinct. I tried my best to be very careful and respectful and said, "Mom, that door is really hard to close." I was not rude, sarcastic, or rolling my eyes. I said it carefully and softly. She slapped me in the face. Later that night, we were eating dinner. The subject was apologies. I asked if parents were accountable to apologize as well. You said yes. Then I asked for an apology. At this point, mom began crying and ran to her bedroom. You gave us a lecture about how mom has been through some very hard things in her life. Then you led us children to the bedroom to comfort her. I stood in the doorway of your bedroom, where mom was sobbing in the bed, and watched everyone in the family comfort her (talking soothingly and putting their hands on her) for slapping me. I never received an apology. She was obviously the manipulator in that situation, but you enabled her.

Pinning Andrew to the wall is an example of physical abuse. Although you have apologized many times, he has the right to forgive you but not continue a relationship with you.

When abusers abuse, they forfeit their rights to any relationship, whether it be emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.

I have many more examples. But that should help with your church situation for now.

Please do not respond. I do not want to hear from you."

Yes, he has apologized for that one instance of physical abuse, but never for his other abusive behaviours. I brought that example up because it was one I knew he could not deny. Whether he apologized for it or not, it still disqualifies him to be an elder of a church, and that was why I used that example.

His response:

"to Brian, Jon, Eric, me

Elders of CCC,

I just received this email from Savannah. I did not solicit this from her. I am sending this to you as I want to have full disclosure as you conduct this investigation.

I do not deny the examples she has provided have happened, though I don't remember two of them. The only example that I actually remember is when I 'jacked up Andrew' against the wall. I did do this. He called me a jerk, but this does not excuse the anger I felt nor my response. I did not, however, cause any bodily harm nor did I strike him anywhere on his body and I did put him back on the floor. I did spank him on the buttocks afterwards, but made sure that I had calmed down as my anger actually scared me as I am sure this shook him up emotionally as well. I doubt he would say he received physical harm (except on the buttocks) from my putting him up against the wall.

In my 27 years of parenting, this is the only time I can say that I may have been guilty of what may be deemed physical abuse, even though he was in the end unharmed.

Savannah makes a statement, ' When abusers abuse, they forfeit their rights to any relationship, whether it be emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.' I vehemently deny any sexual abuse and I ask that Savannah confirm this immediately.

In Christ,

Allen"

My response, typed angrily, I confess:

"I never said you sexually abused. Although, any abuse is extreme, and physical/emotional abuse are not to be left off the hook. I read the book "Mending the Soul" in my quest for healing, and a girl in that book who was both emotionally and sexually abused. She said the emotional abuse was more harmful to her. I am not saying this was always the case, but do not take other forms of abuses lightly. They are ABUSE.

How dare you say that you did not harm him! You TERRIFIED him. Don't try to make it sound like this did no harm to him. There is a such thing as emotional safety. Physical safety is not all you should strive for in raising a child.

You DID solicit this from all of the children.

And I'm not surprised that you don't remember the other two instances. They were common occurrences in our house. I could sit down and try to write all such similar circumstances, but it would be exhausting and pointless, as we are trying to determine whether or not you abused. One example would be enough. I have spoken to other siblings who do remember these two instances.

'And I did put him back on the floor.' ??? Of course you did. You couldn't keep him there forever. The fact was that he got there in the first place, not that he eventually touched the floor again."

At this point, the responsibility of the leadership at CCC was to remove him immediately. His own words were incriminating enough! They have a thing that they do while they "evangelize." If a person says they're a good person, they say something to the effect of  "Have you ever lied? Then you're a liar. Have you ever stolen? Then you're a thief. Have you ever thought bad thoughts about someone else? God says that's as bad as murder. Have you ever lusted? Then God says you may as well have already committed adultery. So you're a liar, a thief, a murderer, and an adulterer." Why isn't my father held to the same standards? If you abuse, even once, then you're an abuser.

After this, there was silence for about ten days, minus a few emails that I didn't have time to answer. I thought they had listened. I wondered what the would do, but I didn't care. Not my business. Finally, Brian Sayers spoke with my brother on the phone. Once he learned I was present, he tried to get my brother to ask me questions for him. It was a waste of effort and time, so I grabbed the phone to answer his questions faster (sneaky, btw!). In very smooth tones, he asked me if I was getting the help I needed and if I had received their emails. I told him I was disappointed that he was brought into it so soon. I was trying to work things out with my parents first. He replied, "He [my father] had to." I said I was working on my letter and that's all I could do. "Are you doing that?" he asked. Of course I was. He said they had waited two weeks (I think that's how long it was?), then asked if I knew my father had heart surgery that Friday, clearly trying to hurry the process up. I wanted to probe a little more, because I wasn't liking everything I was hearing! I asked him what his definition of abuse was (there were three facets. I don't remember all of them, but two of them were "repeatable" and "intentional." Both are nonsensical, as there is no need to repeat abuse, and some abusers, like Al-Qaeda, think they have good intentions.) I told him that he should look up the definition of child abuse according to the laws of his state and adhere to that. Next, I asked him if his church had a child protection policy. "We do, but it's probably not good enough." My last question was just seeing if there was anything else he needed from me. He said he had one more thing to say, and started telling me how sad my parents were and how they desperately wanted to reconcile with me. Looking back, I should have seen the red flags. He was not trying to help me at all and was already on my parents side.

Again, there was silence for me as I tried over and over to write my letter. The day I finished it, I got the following email from Brian:

"Savannah,

I wanted to touch base with you in follow-up to our conversation of some weeks ago (after I spoke with Andrew). You mentioned at that time that you were preparing a letter to be sent to your father regarding the allegations that you had discussed with him (and myself). Is this still your plan, and if so, is there a time-frame that we might expect it? We are still engaged in a process of investigation and evaluation here as leaders, and reviewing the content of this letter was our next step.

I also wanted to enquire if there is a clear goal that you desire to accomplish as a result of this confrontation? Perhaps the letter will clarify this. In other words, are you seeking repentance and reconciliation, and assuming so, what do you foresee this looking like?

We (the elders here) want to help in whatever way appropriate and necessary.
We also desire that the process is not delayed longer than necessary.

Please let me know. Thank you.

Your servant,

Brian"

I had just finished my parents letter the day I received this email. I was deeply hurt. My response to Brian was typed up the next day. My email read as follows:

"Brian,

I finished the final step of letter writing yesterday, which was to get it proofread and approved by my husband and 3 qualified friends. However, I felt your rushing of the writing of this letter (twice now) is inappropriate and insensitive. Never rush a survivor. It is not your place. The psychological effects of my parents’ abuse slows my ability to respond quickly and without fear. I should be allowed as long as necessary, even if it takes years. They abused me my entire childhood. I think they can wait half a summer. This letter has nothing to do with you and is between me and them. I prefer for it to be for their eyes only, but if they choose to share it with you, I can’t stop them.

As far as your elder dilemma, my father is already in a leadership position at your church. The title is all he needs to act as an elder. If your motivation was to investigate him to see if he qualifies for leadership in your church, you would have listened to the three examples I already gave you, as well as more closely noting the response from my father. If you no longer have these emails in your records, I would be happy to have my husband forward them to you. For now, I will assume that you have kept them and can refer to them as I do. His reaction was incriminating for a few reasons. First, and most importantly, he admitted that abuse happened. This should have been enough for you. Then he said, 'Jacked up Andrew against the wall.' Notice that he misquoted me. This could be telling his true perception of his actions, as I did not state it that way. Also, notice that he immediately feels the need to clear his name in one area, one in which he was clearly not accused of. 'I vehemently deny any sexual abuse and I ask that Savannah confirm this immediately.' But he did not 'vehemently deny' the emotional/spiritual or physical abuse. In fact, he felt it was appropriate to investigate. Lastly, notice that he spanked Andrew after terrifying him. Does this seem like a reasonable way to handle the situation? The child had already received more than his due.

 When I poked around on your church website, I found many detailed sermons, doctrinal statements, and blog posts, all of which had to be very time consuming in the both the amount of study required and their delivery. Yet, you have admitted to me that your Child Protection Policy (CPP) is weak and 'Probably not good enough' (your words). I want to express to you that if you either a) truly had all your doctrine correct or b) were practicing all the good doctrines you have claimed on your website alone that are important to your church, then you would not delay in putting forth a better policy to protect the children under your care. You would start yesterday. You might even plan to host a CP Sunday, to put your studies into practice and educate your flock on how you intend to follow your updated and improved CPP. Children are important to the One I follow and to me. Are they important to you and your congregation? Important enough to spend half the time improving your church in this area as you have in perfecting your doctrine? I assume the preliminary answer is yes, but your actions show that you need to show you value protecting children.

Lastly, when we spoke on the phone, you had come up with your own definition of abuse. I believe it included the word 'Repeatable.' Perhaps that is why the 3 examples I listed for you have not been enough for you. I find that very sad and defying common sense. Why would one need to repeat abuse to be an abuser? I would encourage you to look up the definition of child abuse in your state and adhere to it in the future, as well as do some research on the meaning of the term spiritual abuse. My parents did repeatedly emotionally, spiritually, and physically abuse me, but I feel no need to list further examples when you will not acknowledge the ones I have listed.

I had hoped you would notice the details of my father’s response and they would speak for themselves. The fact that you did not (if you truly noticed them, that would have been enough for your investigation of his qualification for eldership), coupled with your insensitivity , your poor CPP, and your flawed definition of abuse lead me to believe that future dialogue with you will be fruitless without more training on your part. If you need more information from me, you may address your inquiries to [my husband's email], and my husband will determine if your questioning is sensitive and appropriate. I would also suggest looking into a qualified organization to equip your church to deal with other abuse that may arise (and if you don’t update your CPP, it surely will. Abusers target religious circles where they may become easily trusted.). I know of one good organization, called Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment (GRACE). They may be able to point you in the right direction.

Thank you for your time.

Savannah"

After sending this email with clear boundaries for the elder board and Brian, they did not stop their insensitive intrusions. They have never once contacted my husband. Instead, they decided to call my pastor. When we got the phone call from our pastor (who had apparently gotten a strong impression from Brian that I had not tried to reconcile with my parents, and that I needed counsel in the area of forgiveness) asking to meet with me on Brian's behalf, I sobbed. I felt like I would never escape from their intrusions. Brian had asked my pastor to meet with me and pass on information to him. I was stunned. David and I talked about it, decided that it very clearly broke our simple boundaries, and called our pastor back to explain the boundaries we had laid out for Brian. Our pastor decided to ask Brian why he had never contacted David, at which point Brian backpedaled and said he would not need information from our pastor,as he had just read the letter I had written to my parents (not sure what that had to do with it, or why he read it so long after they received it). Apparently, he wrote me off for some reason after seeing my very personal letter. How could he have thought he did not have enough information to conclude whether or not my father was abusive? Did he really think it was appropriate to ask my pastor to pass on confidential information from a counseling session? Why did he drop the case after reading my letter? I am left with so many questions about Brian's conduct that I will probably never know the answers to. It felt safe at first to be so far away from my parents during all of this, but Brian was doing his best to extend his power and interrupt our daily lives.

I am not writing any of this out of hatred or unforgiveness. Instead, I believe this needs to be public information to those who currently and may in the future attend this church. Once their leadership became aware of abuse, they sheltered it and coddled it. Their own words, not mine, demonstrated that their atmosphere harbors abusers. Let it be known.