Part 8 - Damn Breaking

As I moved forward in my journey towards emotional health, the question of what to do with my family relationships often entered my mind. Only some of my siblings acknowledge my parents' abuse, and to varying degrees. There are two that I haven't been brave enough  to speak with. One admitted  to me that "they did abusive things," but wouldn't admit to me (I think, really, to himself) that they were abusers. I get that. I used to be the same! It's so hard to go there in your mind when all your parents did was set up mental roadblocks for you. Two are completely on board with me, but have expressed a desire to remain private about it all. For this reason, I won't be sharing any more about my siblings' journeys in here.

Up until this summer, I maintained a minimal relationship with my parents. I covered only the very basic levels of keeping in touch.

My brother went through a physical challenge that was very difficult for him at the beginning of this summer. I flew out to be with him, and he allowed only me and one other sibling to be close to him during this time. Other family members were kept at a distance, communicating with him only through me. My parents were in China when it all went down, but when they got back I called them to tell them as much as my brother wanted them to know.

"You can say hi." I told my parents.

"Ok. Well...tell him that I love him and tell him that I'm praying for him," my dad answered.

I cut him off, "You can say hi, and that's all he wants to hear from you."

"What? I don't know why he wouldn't want to hear that I love him?"

Ah, boundaries.

"Dad, he doesn't want to hear anything from you right now. You can say hi, but he doesn't want you to be involved with this."

"I don't understand what's going on! Why won't he talk to me?"

At this point, I couldn't take the victim attitude anymore. My dad had pushed my brother out of his life, and now he was acting confused? I blew up. I don't remember everything I said, but I told my dad that if he didn't apologize to my brother for emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse and enabling Mom to abuse us he would get nowhere with my brother. I can still remember his response. "Emotional...spiritual...and physical....abuse?! Emotional...spiritual...and physical...ABUSE?! I'm in shock!"

"You don't think holding a family meeting about how I dressed like a prostitute was spiritual abuse?"

"What?! I don't remember..."

I hung up. He tried to call back and I texted him saying that I didn't want to speak with him. I told him I would write him a letter. He asked if he could come see me face-to-face. I said, no. I did not feel emotionally safe having him near me. It was such a good choice to protect myself. I told no one what had happened besides my sister and husband. My aunt and her partner overheard me talking on the phone, and I believe they told my grandmother.

A day or two after, I missed a phone call from the elder board at my father's church about my "very serious allegations." I didn't call back. I wanted time to think, and I was still not at home, but with my brother. It was the day before I was leaving and I was too busy to deal with it. I was surprised that he had brought them into it so soon, but I had no time to process with all the other things I was trying to deal with. I later saw why (post to come, but I believe it was for his own validation of his feelings and for backup).

I arrived home and prepared to cut my parents off, through the aforementioned letter.