Part 3 - Why Physical Abuse Was "Good Parenting"

How does one cover up abuse so well? An abuser is a master manipulator. My parents are master manipulators. Looking back, in the spiritual circles they chose to raise us in, their style of parenting (read: complete control) was glorified. Before we went to a dinner party, for example, my parents would give us a code. This code would alert us to the fact that we were to stop embarrassing them or acting out. "Did you try the taco salad?" really meant, "This behaviour must stop immediately." They enforced their rules through fear of punishment--having dish soaped rubbed on my tongue, standing in the corner, or spanking are some poignant examples.

And oh! did my mother ever spank. It hurts me to write this. It makes my heart sink in my chest! I feel like I'm reliving the pain, and nothing that my parents did to me is harder for me to talk about, but what happened in that little bathroom to me behind closed doors must now be made public. I have no reason for shame, but I still feel it.

A spanking was usually given for mouthing off, something my mother could not stand. Any disagreement with her was viewed as disrespect and if it didn't stop immediately when she said for it to stop, then she would grab me by the arm and march me to the bathroom. There she would close me in and leave for a few minutes. I sat and waited, anticipating and fearful. She would come back in, sometimes with a wooden spoon, and other times reaching for the hairbrush in the bathroom cabinet. Belts were also used, though that instrument was usually courtesy of my father. There was no system for my mother, such as "I will hit this many times," or "This offense warrants pulling your pants down and this one doesn't." It all depended on how mad she was. That's it. I was subject to her anger, not her discipline. That's one thing I would like to clarify here--this was not discipline. It had no rhyme or reason and it broke any bond I could possibly have with my mother. She was visibly furious the entire time and spoke with an actual snarl on her face. I haven't decided where I stand on spanking itself, but I don't think spanking is always abuse. This was. She would lay me over her lap, often with a bare bottom, and let loose. I would often try to cover myself with my hands, so she would hit my hands until I moved them away. She would hit and hit and hit. At first, the spanking would start with words to go along with every blow. What she usually said was, "You. Will. Not. Talk. Back. To. Me. Ever. [at this point she ran out of clear thought] Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever! [and after she realized she had nothing more to say, she just spanked without words]" And the hitting would continue until she was satisfied. It was terrifying, degrading, and out of control.

Sadly, my father and other parents in our spiritual community taught her that this was acceptable, even good. Tiny, misunderstood blurbs in Proverbs were used against children to tell them that if their parent did this sort of thing to them, that was how God wanted them to be treated for such rebellion. And verses in Ephesians were used like this at youth group. "It doesn't say that you have to respect and obey your parents only if they're good parents or they're always right. It says to respect them. Period." She took the inch they gave her and went a mile, but due to their teachings on privacy for spankings, they never knew. I believed that my mother was supposed to hit me until her anger was satisfied. I believed that God wanted me to be subject to her lack of self-control. That was the level of control they had.